Pathetic

I'm seriously dying with this secretly-in-love-with-him thing.

I'm dying of reminding myself to pretending there's nothing in front of him, not to screaming love out loud to him so he won't recognize my feelings toward him and our friendship won't be awkward just because of me. Of my feelings. I'm dying because whenever he walked through, I couldn't stop smiling. I even forgot to inhale oxygen when my lungs needed it. I frankly wish I could tell him, if necessary, I would tell him in the loudest pathetic sound so he will realize how much it hurts being a dumb-lil-falling-in-love-in-a-silent-way-girl. I'm in love with him, and why these words are the hardest words among the other words to shout? I just could call his name aloud until he's turned back and say hi and asked how was his day and then he's gone, and I was just watching him backs me as if he never recognized that I'm in love with him. I don't know how long I will get through this; pretending, seeing him from distance, smile at him as a friendly smile, teasing him as a friend, act like I never had any feelings on him. It hurts. I'm afraid time will take him away first from me before he even knew my feelings toward him.

I'm dying, I wish you knew, whenever you smiled at me and talked to me and as if you think it means nothing to you, it was really fascinating and it tortures me a lot and it means everything to me.